Trauma

I don’t want to talk about it. As I sit here my mind wanders, unable to focus, my body shakes from the experience. I can’t get a grip on it, I can’t comprehend it, it is beyond me. If I was to look into my own eyes, I’m not sure I could focus long enough to understand myself.

For I am beyond your comprehension, I am beyond your understanding….

I just want to sit amidst the broken pieces, I just want to be alone, just leave me alone…. It is too traumatic to speak of it. I don’t want to revisit it, yet I was more comfortable living in it. For it was my place of habitation. I was used to one battle after another, wave upon wave they came against me. Now I am free of it I don’t know what to do. The vestiges are yet before me, the left overs, the belongings of those that occupied, and the wide open space that is occupied by that which annoys. Every morning since his arrival I awake to that which annoys, I awake to the mess, I awake to the chaos, I awake to the stress, to the discomfort. I am beyond it, and yet with those who are beyond. I use the word PTSD, Post the trauma, after the trauma, beyond the trauma, it hits me hard. I pause to reflect on the fight, the wrestle, the pushing against the goads, the push back, the push through, the constant battle. Yet here I sit, in the only familiar place, not wanting to stay, not wanting to write, not wanting to go. Yet these words echo in my ears now “you are all that I want, it is overwhelming”, as the music plays. For you know my inmost thoughts.

Have we not spoken of this before, was it not foretold from long ago?

For your hand shakes, it trembles before you now. You ask yourself what have I done? Yet you know what happened.

Here is what I call PTSD, Personal Trust Supply Disorder. For you trust me, yet that which I supply is out of order. There has been a reversal. Payment before not after, abundance before, not after, victory before the battle…

You run to the enemy with sword drawn, for you are a mighty warrior, you say charge, and run out to meet them. And yet what is it you find?

An arm outstretched to welcome you, an unexpected harvest, for I have beaten their swords into plow shears. For they have tilled the ground for you in expectation of your arrival. They welcome you, not with hostility, but with warmth and kindness, for my favour is upon you.

For you can take off your armour, for I have given you the robe of favour, the cloak of blessing, the olive branch instead of the sword.

For I know this is uncomfortable for you, this does not rest easily upon you, yet this shall be your experience.

Did I not say, have you not heard? Forget the former things, the great escape, the mighty battles, the broken pieces all around, the blood that was shed, has now been shed once for all.

Behold I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth, abundance rises all around you, more and more, greater and greater.

Why is it that the words “burst forth” have constantly been on your lips?

Now before your eyes, I am bursting forth. My abundance flows all around, beyond your imagination.

Adjust your focus, consider your posture, give heed to my word, hold on to the new, let go of the old.

For the old falls at your feet, lay off the old and put on the new, buy yourself some new clothes. Seriously!

You always dress yourself in the old, you get ready for the old, you have no desire for the new, you consider new clothes a waste. You see nothing wrong with the old. You consider that which you have, something to hold on to, for you are fearful of losing everything. Yet here I stand ready to give you everything!

For you have given up all, now I will give you all.

You have experienced lack and learned to be content, now you will experience ALL and shall learn to be content.

For you received the blessing of the little, now receive the blessing of the much.

You know this to the true, you know this is how I roll.

Luke 19:17 And he said to him, Well done, excellent bond servant! Because you have been faithful and trustworthy in a very little thing, you shall have authority over ten cities.

Was this not the word that I spoke over you?

Leviticus 26:3-13 If you walk in My statutes and keep My commandments and do them, I will give you rain in due season, and the land shall yield her increase and the trees of the field yield their fruit. And your threshing time shall reach to the vintage and the vintage time shall reach to the sowing time, and you shall eat your bread to the full and dwell in your land securely. I will give peace in the land; you shall lie down and none shall fill you with dread or make you afraid; and I will clear ferocious (wild) beasts out of the land, and no sword shall go through your land. And you shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword. Five of you shall chase a hundred, and a hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight; your enemies shall fall before you by the sword. For I will be leaning toward you with favor and regard for you, rendering you fruitful, multiplying you, and establishing and ratifying My covenant with you. And you shall eat the abundant old store of produce long kept, and clear out the old to make room for the new. I will set My dwelling in and among you, and My soul shall not despise or reject or separate itself from you. And I will walk in and with and among you and will be your God, and you shall be My people. I am the Lord your God, Who brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, that you should no more be slaves; and I have broken the bars of your yoke and made you walk erect as free men.

Why so surprised that this is now your experience?

For you are free of it, I have killed that which traumatises you, it writhes at your feet gasping for air, hissing and spitting at you, for I have given it over to itself, it destroys itself, it breathes its last breath.

For you stand on its neck, you feel it writhing under your feet, it struggles to get free, yet it is beneath you.

For you shall stand on the backs of your enemy, you shall overtake that which overtook you, you shall recover all, for you shall possess ALL

Have no regard for that which is old, leave it on the street, behold I am making all things new.

ALL things new!

Revelation 21:3-7 Then I heard a mighty voice from the throne and I perceived its distinct words, saying, See! The abode of God is with men, and He will live (encamp, tent) among them; and they shall be His people, and God shall personally be with them and be their God. God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away. And He Who is seated on the throne said, See! I make all things new. Also He said, Record this, for these sayings are faithful (accurate, incorruptible, and trustworthy) and true (genuine). And He further said to me, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I Myself will give water without price from the fountain (springs) of the water of Life. He who is victorious shall inherit all these things, and I will be God to him and he shall be My son.