Compose Yourself

Compose yourself.

“Arrange yourself, align yourself, bring the broken pieces together, fix yourself. Make yourself better.”

Come together, get it together, get it together man!

Stop shaking, stop trembling, stop the breaking, stop the trauma, just stop it, stop it now! I can’t take any more! The noise, the heat, the pain, the confinement, the restriction.

The footprints on the golden sand, the intensity of the heat in the natural, overcome by his radiance in the supernatural. Oh the relief, oh the joy of His presence, oh the peace that fills my soul, my body. His breath fills my body.

Just breathe, take a deep breath…..

But wait……that is not permitted!

I hear over the noise an announcement: “you cannot take a deep breath or you will mess with the process, and we will have to repeat it”.

What the HECK, get me out of here! NOW!

But then His voice, quietly in my ear….

“Focus, just focus on me. Compose yourself, don’t hit the panic button, for then we will have to do this again!”

“Establish a rhythm, regulate your breathing, focus your attention. With me, you can endure, you shall endure.”

The tears flow from my eyes, at the sound of His voice, they roll down my cheeks, but I cannot attend to them, for movement is not permitted, until the process is complete!

An announcement again from my “therapist”, “I’m now going to do that scan again, another 2.5 mins”.

The minutes feel like hours. This goes on and on for many cycles, I learn to breathe deeply between the scans, between the waves of torture, if only for a few seconds.

After more time than I can bear, another announcement! I hope against hope that it is to say, “It is finished”. But no, “You are doing well CHAMP, only 7.5 mins to go!”

I smile at the word. For it has been a very long time since I have been called a champ! Over a decade since my last award, an Oscar like trophy called the “Overachiever award”. It was given to me by the best CEO I have had in my career. He understood me more than anyone before or since. For it is not in my nature to just meet the mark, it must be far exceeded in order for me to feel satisfied.

I am not looking for an average composition, but a masterpiece!

The Lord says to me now “I have put brokenness in your hands”

You carry brokenness, the broken pieces, the sharp edges, the pieces that don’t fit. In the midst I shall compose. In the midst of your pain, your torture, your confinement, I am here. Present me with your broken pieces, for it is here that I will restore. I give you beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for your sorrow and pain. It flows, it overflows, it flows in abundance, it rises up, in the place of containment. Make the exchange! Be released, come out of the cocoon! Be transformed, broken to bring restoration, confined to bring release. This is the breaking point, the point of breakthrough. The conflict, the contrast of perspectives, the opposing forces, that break through to restore, that shatter the container, to bring overflow.

Peace attend to my way. Like a river attend to my way. Flow in the place of lack. Soothe in the place of rage.

Agitation stop, stop being agitated.

Like blood in my body being agitated, stirred up. Opposing forces raging within. My very bones and flesh warring within my body. My son the mad scientist explained the process of the MRI scan to me before I went in. I remember it now, about super strong magnets, attracting and repelling in order to get a picture of the bones in my back. No surprise then, how I now feel so agitated. I came out of the torture chamber, shaking within physically, and red in the face from the heat.

If only I had been better prepared, perhaps I would have handled it better!

I thought it would be like a cat scan I had ages ago, where I lay on my back in a donut like machine and it was all very routine. When I entered the room it looked very space age and a similar donut like machine. So I lay on the mat. But then earphones put on my head whilst asking what music I would like to hear. But then a metal cylinder put over my head like a mask. What the heck! I was not expecting this. I hate being confined, and remember now the questionnaire asked about claustrophobia. It had been such a long time since I had felt so confined that I marked no issue on the survey. But now suddenly it hit me literally in the face!

Then the girl asked me “are you ok?”. I said that the headphones were not comfortable and asked could I adjust them. Then the radiographer came and said to her that the head piece was not required as they were not scanning up that high! Thanks be to God!

I was born to be free. To soar like an eagle. To fly like a butterfly, not to stay in the cocoon!

I’m reminded of an old word from the Lord. “Don’t get yourself in a flutter about what I am going to do, just flap your wings for you were meant to fly”

Let your glory fall in this place Lord.

“Come away with me, my shy and modest dove, come out of seclusion, let me see your face, let me hear your voice. Come away and stay with me in the cleft of the rock, protected from the storm. Be no longer storm tossed and weary. Calm yourself, rest in me. Lay it all down, unburden yourself. Unpack your burden. Come and rest a while with me!”

Sing to the Lord a new song, for He has done marvelous things.